The Romantic, The Dreamer and The Realist.

She said: Thank you for ….Tindering me. Is that a thing?

He said: Well I guess it is now….

You know that one friend who is always trying to fix your life?  I have in my life time collected several smothering friends and of course there is my mother. They love me so much I am afraid they might kill me.

They want to see you happy; they want to see you with someone so you will be ‘complete’ like they are.  The fact that they are not exactly living the dream makes me wonder if their train of thought is more along the lines of shared misery is half misery. I don’t doubt they like to see a smile on my face but I don’t believe that my happiness is totally dependent on finding a man.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to be in a relationship, I really do. I just also know that the sun will continue to rise and fall if I don’t find the elusive ‘one’ … yes THE ONE that Disney has taught us to search for since mum and dad read us our first golden book.

That said I am a romantic and a huge dreamer, how huge? I can guarantee you that I have not ever been at an airport when I have not hoped to see someone with a bunch of roses waiting to declare his love for me as I stumble out of the terminal. Oh and It has never really mattered if I was in a relationship at the time, I am at an airport and we all know that anything is possible at an airline terminal, so damn it where is he?

Of course it never happens and it’s ridiculous to believe it could. So I sigh heavily then being the realist that I am, I laugh at myself and put it down to the writer in me.

Regrettably for me when I fall I fall hard. Which I believe is a good enough reason to hide this crazy blood pumping organ I affectionately call my heart.  Now it’s not a good enough reason for you to do it, just good enough for me to do it. (Oh yeah I can do double standards like no one else.)

The real problem with me and dating is that I can never tell if I am going to like the person, I don’t really have a physical type. One guy that threw my heart away and tossed it in a trash can, which he then ran over with his car, was completely unexpected.

I told him, once it was clear that we were not ever meant to be, that he grew on me like fungus. (Yes I have a way with words).  I didn’t want to like him, he was by no means (at all) attractive on the outside, but I couldn’t help it because on the inside he was and is mostly gold.

You will never guess it and for a while there I didn’t either, but I am fine. I get up; I have fun, pursue my dreams, meet new people and continue to be a fully functional human girl.

Enter my over-caring friends….Lately we have had more than the average amount of conversations about dating. It seems most people have either tried it or a currently on some sort of internet dating site.  Tinder seems to be, depending on who you ask, the thing to do or thing to definitely not do.

Several of my friends are on Tinder and their feedback differs from high praise to horror stories. I have been strongly encouraged to try it and others have kindly warned me “It’s full of perverts and douchebags; they’re on there for a reason…” and that was coming from a guy’s perspective, a guy I trust.

In a moment of weakness which was heavily sprinkled with curiosity (one of my many flaws) I jumped into the freezing Tinder water. It crashed a couple of times, swinging to and from my Facebook when I wouldn’t let it access everything until finally …I was officially a Tinderer…a Tinderett?

My profile was copied over from my Facebook as was my ‘about me’ spiel, so to save all you curious cats a search my blurb simply says:

Writer, TV/Movie Addict, Humor Junkie….pretty normal really.

I know what you are thinking, I am like a wordsmith extraordinaire! It’s not exactly likely to be remembered as poetry of our times but it does efficiently sum me up.

Once that was set up, I set my search parameters and started sifting through a never ending catalogue of potential matches within my local city. The way it works is you are presented with a profile for your perusal and then it lets you either anonymously swipe left to reject or right to accept communication should they happen to “like” you back.

I swiped left so many times I almost forgot that I wasn’t simply flipping pages over but in fact stamping a big [NOPE] sign on presumably nice guys and douchbags alike.

I slowed down and started reading some of the profiles. I reminded myself that you never really know where the gold is hidden.

I haven’t performed a google search but there has to be a guide with a few pointers on what kind of photos you should put up and what constitutes a proper blurb.

I have to admit I have been laughing quite a bit. This may or may not be true as no statistics were actually taken but it feels true, one in every three photos consisted of men holding up their biggest catch, as in fish.  Question: Is this a size obsession issue or more a chest beating “Me hunt and provide for you…GRRR…” thing?

I saw those photos and scrunched my nose up. Does that mean that he is going to drag me fishing with him every weekend? Or run off with his mates for the traditional four weekends a month away from the little lady adventure? Left Swipe!

Again not sure the stats are right but two in every three men like to drink beer naked and squeeze the breast of an unsuspecting statue at either a major tourist attraction or mall. Left Swipe

‘Swiped Left’ on anyone who wrote that they like to relax by taking me on a long walks along the beach. Buddy I know you copy pasted that cliché off the same site you stole that photo from.

Also I know what a sunset looks like but right now was your one shot to let me know what you look like. Can you explain to me why there are only one set of foot prints in the sand? Let me answer that for you, that photo is supposed to be about Jesus! About how he is always with us, not a romantic stroll for one on the beach. L e f t Swipe!

Some men only put photos up of their possessions, motorbike, boats and BMW’s – I fear you might only attract the gold digging type who hope you are near death so they can inherit all your meaningless toys. You have been warned, don’t let me hear you complain about how she played you.

Others took photos of their shadows, sun glasses or in a Halloween costume – why do I get the feeling you are hiding a mega mole on the end of your nose or a unibrow? Left Swipe

Tip, putting a photo up of you and your ex-wife is not a good idea. She is your sister? How would I know that? Wait that is not your child it’s your cute nephew? Did it ever occur to you that without captions or tagging options the Swipers might Left Swipe you because they assume your sister was your wife or your nephew was your son?

When a guy named Corpse showed up on my screen, that’s when I knew I had to write this. His about section read as follows: Between life and death there is Corpse.

*chills*

Left Swipe

Continue…

They weren’t all bad, I swiped right a few times and made a few promising connections with some quick witted non pervs.  You guys are thinking I swiped on quick witted muscled up non pervs right?

Well you are wrong, whilst I didn’t swipe right at any quick witted men who looked like they had taken a vacation from life or resembled Mr Bean in anyway, I did swipe right for those who looked happy, normal and for the most part ‘a together’ kind of person.

Confession: I swiped left for most guys who showed off solely their abs. It sounds judgemental but since a photo is all I have to go off, I am going to assume that you are slightly self-obsessed and are looking for a picture perfect model…and sadly I am not one. Left Swipe!

For the record: I have nothing against abs. I enjoy ogling abs just as much as the next girl, no need to run a pole on this one – one in every three post on my Facebook features Stephen Amell and his Abs-solutely Ab-mazing Abs <—- see what I did there? 😉

I should wrap this blog up around about now and bring it full circle, but as this is more about my initial toe dip into this brave new world I will leave you with my current state of thoughts…

Tinder may not be for me but then again it might surprise me, you never know until you try it.

I still live in hope that I will find the right guy when I stumble off the airport terminal, perhaps the roses were not for me, but he was there and so was I and …shut up brain it could happen!

To my single soul sisters (or brothers) out there, don’t let finding ‘the one’ become your entire life because the truth is you are the one.

You are all you need. Be happy with yourself first, then sharing your life and your joy with someone else is simply a bonus.

If I do ever find a loving partner my short stint on Tinder has taught me to make sure to always value the relationship because it is a rare and precious thing that takes WAY too many swipes to find.

Yours truly,

The Romantic, The Dreamer and The Realist xo

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