Just a little CRUSH

Ever had a crush on someone who doesn’t know you are alive? Isn’t it THE WORST?

Don’t worry this is not about my obsession with Stephen Amell, although as most crushes go it’s just as farfetched.

It’s hard (that’s what she said) to try and not feel something that you have no control over. I mean it’s not like you don’t try to get over Mr Unattainable.

He (or she) might be unattainable to you because they are in a relationship or because you are gutless and haven’t managed to find the courage to go introduce yourself.

Or they may be unattainable because they just don’t want you the way you want them.

You do your best to spend as little time as possible staring a hole into their photo or if you live in the year 2015, your iPhone screen.

You try and focus on all the ridiculous (borderline stupid) things they do. That of course backfires because you are high on ‘dopamine’ which makes you find any retarded thing he does ‘SO Freaking Cute!’

Oh yes, you even try and send him to the mythical ‘friend zone’. Except let’s face it, that’s like sitting a starved fat kid in front of pizza and saying, hey you can look but you can’t touch! Instead you end up trying to avoid him like the plague.

Like most falls, it is never planned and usually entirely by accident. Just a look or a smile catapults the reaction and before you know it – SWOOSH chemicals explode and BOOM CRASH you have turned into a love struck lunatic!

Also worth noting you’re torturer will have you in hell for the next four months to THREE years! (<— Yeah the internet told me that, and from experience it sounds just about right)

It hardly seems fair does it? Something as simple as a surprisingly nice conversation or as understandable as finding a like-mind in a sea of two headed people can potentially lead you to a three year pain sentence.

Who has months or years to waste away wanting something you can’t have?

I have to believe I deserve to be much kinder to myself. I am a good person; I don’t deserve the misery, so I try to reason myself out of things.

I tell myself that I will not feed this crush any further eye candy, enough is enough.  The out of sight out of mind theory is brilliant.

Don’t you hate though, how things are always much easier said than done?

You realise you need all the help you can get so you seek support from your friends. Yes your poor friends, who by the way ARE SICK TO DEATH of hearing about every lame thing your crush said.

“Today he said hello and then looked at me and said that my hair looked nice.”


“No seriously, what does that mean? Why do guys always talk in riddles???”

Lucky for you, your friends love you and put up with your madness so you let them in on the plan.

“That is it! I am OVER him, he will from this moment and forever more be banned from further discussion”

“Just like that?”

“Yep, I’m done”

“Cold turkey?”

“Yep, over him already and I mean….it feels sooooo goooood

“Why are you smiling?”

“I was just thinking…he did this thing today where he breathed air in and out, it was sooo cute”

Can someone tell me why we were not built with an On/Off switch? Wouldn’t that be fantastic?

My friend was playing with the stethoscope the other and he could not find my heart beat. I probably should have been concerned when I couldn’t find it either, instead of course, I was amused.

“How can you have no heartbeat?” he asked

“Because I am a VAMPIRE” I said in my best Transylvanian accent.

Wouldn’t that be nice? Not the blood sucking part but the part where you are dead inside and don’t feel anything?

Of course the answer to that is no.  If you feel nothing then you miss out on all the highs in life which are always well worth the occasional lows. If you don’t believe me just ask Stephan Salvatore, he knows what I am talking about!

I don’t crush often but I do crush hard.

It’s not easy to think or speak clearly when your crush is around so how do you move past it if you can’t even function?

I have no idea and the truth is that it doesn’t matter if you are 14 or 40, crushes happen and they have the power to do just as advertised.

What do I do when I am crushing?

A LOT of stupid stupid things and then I try my best to wake up from the fruitless spell and join the rest of the world in the land of reality.

Recognising you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

Admit it, this is not love it’s just a crush. You don’t know enough about him. Knowing exactly what he is wearing today because you memorized every inch of him when he said hello does not mean you know them. Ask yourself, do you know him well enough to know what would be considered a thoughtful gift?

PS: Mr Amell, I would buy you a salmon ladder…ok maybe that is more for me than it is for you 😉

Can you describe him without using the words, hot, nice, sexy, athletic? What is his (or her) core person about? If you don’t really know, you don’t really love them.


Change the song

Everyone knows that the only way to get a song out of your head is to sing a new one. Replace the obsessive “I want him” thought that plagues you until the wee hours of the night with “I need to write that book” or “I need to master the Guitar” or “I am going to bake until I feed all the homeless people of this city ” …get obsessed with something else until that thought vanishes. You might feel like a bit of a fake robot, consciously swapping that thought but soon enough you won’t have to think about it. Your mind just won’t go there anymore.


Take the Rose Colour Glasses Off

All that shimmers does not shine. Have you noticed anything strange about your crush? Like the fact that he or she is the only perfect human on earth? How does he do that thing where he just floats into a room without even using his legs? Isn’t strange how he can never do anything wrong? Things that normally would make you cringe are ok because when he does it, it’s not crass at all.   His hair isn’t thinning, it’s just getting lighter. He doesn’t laugh like clubbed seal, his laugh is honest and hardy. It’s not that he isn’t considerate towards you Amy..Amanda…Alison? It’s just that he is so busy being awesome.

“He is so funny; he pretends to forget my name on purpose just to make me laugh”

Option Z: Tell him

Tell him… several of my friends recommend this as the perfect way to get over it, basically they want me to say here is a bus please run me over with it. When I crush on someone I do struggle with this big time. Here is why, if you live or work with your unattainable crush and you let them know that OBVIOUSLY you are the one for them you are essentially forcing them to join you for a never ending trip on board the EVERYDAY is AWKWARD train.

Or you can watch him disappear before your eyes to that magical place he and all beautiful mystical creatures hail from.

Or of course there is that 000.0001% chance that he will throw his fully functional life where he is completely happy and tell you he feels the same way – you never know.

Quick question – Do you know what unattainable means?

 Just stop

This works for me, it takes a while but it works. I just pretend they are married which is a huge NO GO zone for me. I find all married men crusty, green and completely non-sexual. That is my mind set and for whatever reason it works for me. No offence guys, I know you are married not dead but you ARE dead to my ovaries, they don’t want or need a bar of you. (TWSS).


Does it help to know you are not alone? How about to know that there are people crushing on you?

Yeah you walk around minding your own business but the odds are that there is someone out there crushed by your smile, the sound of your giggle, the wave of your hands, your corny humour or the endearing way your nose whistles when you breathe.

You will live. I will live.

It’s just a little crush, nothing to die over.


Truly, Madly, Deeply.


  1. I enjoyed this, you have a great sense of humor. I’ve read a few of your articles and I feel like you are talking to me. I may have a little crush!


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