Dear Future Self

smiling-lolly-large

Isn’t it a glorious day when you realise that you are finally OVER someone.

I don’t mean when you say you are in the hopes that if you tell yourself often enough you might start believing it.

I mean that moment when you know in your heart that there is just no more room for him or his nonsense in your life.

At first you don’t quite know what’s happening.

You expect your chest to tighten when he smiles at you and when it doesn’t; you’re more than a little confused.

Did that stupid smile finally kill me?

Then you catch him, flirting with another short skirt and you expect to turn Alphaba green but instead you feel nothing but calm.

Of course you worry for a moment that this might just be the calm before the storm.

Are you about to completely lose it?  Should you warn people so they can run to safety?

You stand perfectly still, concentrating on remaining calm. You inhale and exhale only to be completely surprised by the upward curve your lips make.

Nothing… No envious explosion, no heartbreak, no pain, not even slightly bothered.

It feels like the heavens have parted and a huge weight has lifted, and what is that? Is that the sun finally shining through?

The real test is when he tells you about his latest conquest and for the first time since you realised you fell for him you really just don’t care.

As you mentally shimmy side to side and rejoice in that fact that finally , FINALLY this person has no power over you, you start to wonder how you got here.

How did you get to a place where this guy can’t Jedi mind trick you into doing almost anything for him?

When did the chains fall off?

Do you even care enough to analyse it?

What’s amusing to me, and I am sure this must be true for a lot of people, is that it always feels like you are never going to move past it. Funnier still, is that we are almost always wrong.

Just like Sia’s elastic heart we recover and somehow manage to find yet another person that really ‘gets’ you.

I can of course joke about this all day, but getting over someone is not as easy as it sounds.

It takes more than just crying in tub of choc mint to move on.  It’s always slightly different, sometimes the cut is deeper and the scar is always suitably unique.

My theory is that it’s hurts because we are not just grieving for a person, but for the relationship and life that you imagined with that person.

It’s ‘the could’ve been’ that screws us up, that and your lifelong chick flick addiction doesn’t help matters.

The imagination is a beautifully dangerous thing.

It’s also partial to how you are feeling. It feeds it on it, constructing castles in the sky based on where your passion lies.

It’s not always a break up story, sometimes getting over someone you never had is just as hard to do.

Yikes, I am sure half of you are yelling at me saying that isn’t true but hear me out.

It can be difficult because you don’t have the reality of life with them to make them seem less attractive to you. You see all the good and experience none of the bad. Who wants to let go of that?

I wanted to write this blog for me more than for you, because it’s a rare day when I see people as who they are and not who I want them to be.

I wanted to post myself a reminder that this time just like last time, I got lost in what I saw in someone.

I saw the best version of who they are but not who they choose to be.

That is not to imply I fall for horrible men, I don’t, I just have a bad habit of seeing what I want to see.

In a month or two… or maybe next year, who knows… if I ever find myself in this same position I am going to force myself, ok its more likely my friends will force me to read this.

Its then that I hope to remember how great it felt to know that eventually everything that hurts comes to an end.

Ps: Dear Future self, in other words ‘This is not the droid you are looking for…’

xo

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3 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts Claudia. I too, as a male, can relate to this. However, I believe you do need to grieve for that person, as well as the relationship. Because you sit back and wonder how that person can be so deceitful towards you, but claim they still love and care for you- that hurts! Acceptance of her issues helps, makes you stronger and allows you to move forward (so does a good psychologist-hehe).

    Like

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