GYM and I

Ever noticed how going to the Gym is a little like being in a bad relationship?

Everyone tells you the Gym is the best thing for you and that you should give the Gym another chance.

It’s like Gym can do no wrong.

Why is it then that when I look back on my past relationships with the Gym, I remember the painful beginning more than the euphoric yet tragic ending?

I went back to the Gym thinking this time things would be different, but I should have known better.

Side note: ‘THE’ Gym, like it’s SO important, Gym how would you like it if I started calling myself ‘THE’ Claudia?

What my friends and family don’t know is that after getting back together with Gym for only a few weeks that tormenter has already disposed of my rose coloured glasses.

Yeah, just three weeks in and I am already throwing up. My body hates me for going back. It’s whinging about a stretched muscle that I didn’t even know I had.

I am reminded as I walk down stairs that ‘no pain no gain’ really means ‘prepare to lose all function of your arms and legs’.

Why? Oh you didn’t know? That’s how Gym “I’m so awesome” works. You lose weight because you can’t freakin make it to the fridge.

Last time, just like a prisoner of war, I was whipped into shape and had lost most my body weight. I’d wear baggy clothes, mainly because my clothes got baggy, and also to hide evidence of the ordeal, but people still noticed. Gym had stripped me of all I had and there was no hiding that.

You know it’s the reason REM wrote that song ‘Everybody hurts’? No kidding Gym, no kidding!

Today as I look around I find the same naïve people. If they would only look past the fluoro motivation singlets, they would also be one step closer to leaving.

Strip away the shiny modern day distractions that are the air conditioners, flat screen tvs and imagine a more rugged exposed brick décor. You see it don’t you? Admit it; it looks very much like a medieval torcher chamber.

I see those machines and my body contracts into itself in a vain effort to avoid the associated pain.

I see it and just like that all the memories come flooding back, not only all the physical torture but oh…my god ALL THE YELLING!

“You threw up? THAT’S A GOOD THING!”

“It hurts? That’s nothing; it’s just your brain telling you to stop, PUSH THROUGH IT.”

“Pain? Congratulations that’s WEAKNESS LEAVING YOUR BODY!”

“If it’s not hurting it’s not working!”

My favourite is when they say ‘Your mind gives up before your legs do’ in response I’d like you to note that a chicken can also continue to run around after its head has been chopped off but the point is – it’s still dead.

I’m the type of girl who likes to learn from her mistakes. I pick up my water bottle, head towards the door as my inner chub yells (covered in blue face paint and suspiciously wearing a kilt) …..NO! YOU CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY MY FREEDOM…or my right to quietly Garfield all day on couch!

I mean it’s my choice right, in which case I choose to be pain free.

Dreaming of a squat free world I make my dramatic departure slamming the aggravatingly slow closing door.

Why is it that the moment you stop going to the gym everyone around you decides that they were born to be your token interventional fitness guru?

Gym might change your tastebuds but mine still know the difference between delicious hot chocolate and some ‘super juice’ riddled with turmeric root.

I remember a time when my friends were motivational and inspiring, not these villainous cape wearing, judgey people. Who invited Major Payne into my life?

I mean why do they care? It’s my right to complain about how nothing fits me anymore, to run out of breath when I climb a set of stairs.

So what if I am the only one of my friends unable to finish the hike to the top of the mountain?

Gym, have you ever stopped to think that maybe just maybe I am ok with my current state of health and maybe it doesn’t matter. Quality of life isn’t such a big deal. If I don’t matter to me why do I matter to you? Oh wait that’s not right, I didn’t mean… obviously I MATTER.

What I meant to say was that maybe … Oh God Damn it Gym! I see what you did there.

Gym, I don’t know if I am every going to be in love with you but for my own sake, I’ll keep trying. 😉

Yours always,

‘The’ Claudia.

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